July 12th, 2012
I don’t feel brave.
I had that conversation once with my mother where she asked ‘Do you think you deserve to lose weight?’ To which I said ‘no.’
Today I asked myself that question after going to the Eating Disorder group, and my answer was still ‘no,’ but after about five months of therapy, it was a much less emphatic ‘no.’
Also, E discussed her medical issue today, and I feel like she did it because I talked about mine. I feel good about that, but I don’t feel brave for sharing.
It’s always been easy for me to share my personal feelings, or has it? Before, maybe I only allowed myself to give out small pieces, controlling the reaction of others by letting slip just what I was comfortable to let slip. I mean, a fat girl being upset about being fat isn’t going to raise any headlines or incite judgement. But being a fat girl who’s upset because of a bunch of health issues and childhood abuse?
I feel like it doesn’t make sense when I write that, but it’s how I feel. That’s sort of what this is all for, figuring out how to feel. how I feel.
